Wednesday, May 16, 2018


I'm depressed again these few days for many reasons. Let's look at my list of a long rant.

Firstly, for some reason, 3 people didn't reply my message this week. I don't know what the hell have I done wrong until I deserved this type of ignorance. Seen but no reply. Luckily it's not anything important or else my panic attack would hit me again but still enough to make me anxious. WHY?!

Secondly, I found out that lesser and lesser people cared about me. Not even my TM mentor, in fact, I think she never cared, she never asked about my speech or how am I doing. I guess she is very confident that I can do this myself, even during my first speech, she said no need to read my script and told me to just go with it. Honestly, I think I'm doing even better than my mentor, she is a 65-year-old grandma, always blur blur. I can't blame her entirely, she's old and quite new in TM. 

There's only one person who actually asks about my TM development, the president. Every time I took a new role, she'd text me and be happy for me and ask me if I need any help, a day before my speech, she'll ask me how am I doing. Last time, I was so depressed until I think that I might not be able to make it, then she texted me and it warmed my heart immediately. These TM ladies knew that I have this sickness as I'd told them during my first speech. Yet, only one cared. I guess these ladies are pretty much the same like some of my friends, many knew about it, but only a few cared about it. 

Thirdly, my own psychologist. We were planning to form an official association for our support group, so that day we already talked to the founder of the patient-led organization in West Malaysia. But after talking, we found out that we have different approaches to healing, they are very religious based, the founder is a Muslim, so anything about healing goes back to their Allah. And here in Sabah, we are more on using scientific approaches like the mindfulness. We have 3 facilitators in our group, and so far in May, nothing happened. No one arranged any meeting. 

That day a member asked me how's the collaboration thing so far, I told her I'll ask Sandi about it. When I ask Sandi about it, she told me to ask the founder myself.  I was like WTF?! WHY AM I THE ONE WHO SHOULD ASK? ISN"T IT YOUR JOB TO ASK THEM? All these while, you've been doing nothing? YOU ARE THE FUCKING FOUNDER OF THIS GROUP, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SAID WANT TO MAKE IT BETTER. I was so angry that time. It's like she doesn't even care. Her sikap sambil lewa was pissing me off. I guess you stop caring once you've moved to somewhere else. 

Fourthly, I was super anxious because I am the OC for a TM event this Saturday. And so far the attendance list is very disappointing. I promoted everywhere, Instagram, Facebook, every WhatsApp group that I'm in, it's just frustrating especially the targeted group, which is that bunch of powerful women group. Less then 10 is coming. I posted there 3 times, 3 times straight ignorance. So the president posted it again, finally, a Datuk replied that she cannot come because she has exams coming up. Then you know what happened? Those ass kissers ignored the event message and went straight to reply the Datuk's message, telling her all the best in her exam etc. I was again pissed to the max!!! 

OH I HATE THESE ASS KISSERS. I really wanted to leave that group, it's nothing but a bunch of opportunists who like to lick shoes and show off whenever there is press around. URGHHHH!!!!!! I'm going to transform into HULK soon! But then, the Bruce Banner inside me decided that it's not rational to do that, so I'm gonna calm down myself, wait one day when I become a datuk or some VVVVVVIP, then, I'm going to shove the same ignorance that I received today right into these ass kissers' faces. 

Lastly, I was depressed because I saw how a young politician had achieved so much in his age. I was comparing myself to him. I forgot that I'm sick. So far, I've achieved nothing much, some of you think that my business is thriving, actually, it's just surviving. So far in May, I only have one order and 2 cancelled orders. I found out that a same age girl in my support group is having an exact same situation as me. We both have low self-esteem and no confidence, that's because we don't have a job or a stable salary, we're trying to be independent, but it's so hard. At the same time, the past will creep on us once in a while. 

Then I saw a post on facebook which made me feel so much better, a post called The Bamboo.

There is a type of bamboo in China called the Mao Bamboo. These village folks plant them and take very good care of them. Other people don't understand and made fun of them because the bamboo only grows 3cm within 4 years. But little did these people know that, during the 5th year, the Mao Bamboo will grow 30cm a day! Within 6 weeks, they will grow up till 15m, and soon enough, the 3cm little bamboos now become a forest. 

The moral of the story is, some people are like these Mao bamboos, you don't see them achieve anything in those 4 years, we might think them as fools seeing them working so hard for nothing. But deep down inside, they are growing their roots, they are building their foundation. When the time comes, they will shoot very fast and very high just like the bamboo within 6 weeks. So never underestimate those who SEEMED to have nothing right now. One day, they might soar above you. 

Ass kissers, watch me. I'll make sure that one day when I have the power and money, you'll kiss my FUCKING ass! 

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