Friday, April 27, 2018

1.18am

1.18am
Thoughts are running wild like a horse on a meadow. 

My anxiety hit me again when I saw the scale, I gained weight because of lacking the motivation to move. I rarely go to dancing class cause I find no meaning there anymore. The teacher is always trying to stall time by telling us her useless stories. I'm not interested. I'm interested in new steps, new dance, new choreography, or if you don't teach that because you're afraid the others cannot catch up, at least teach me how to improve my skills. None of those happened.

I got kind of depressed again when I couldn't find a dress for an upcoming gala dinner. So instead, I bought a top and a skirt to match. I'm worried that it might not be formal enough for a big event like this.

I'm also getting tired of my sleeping pattern, for a whole month, I've been sleeping daytime, and waking up at night time. Hence, daytime events are a torture for me. I really wanted to change, but it was hard, not having a routine job is not helping. Baking is good, but not every day I bake.

Recently, I read a book about investment. The author asked these 3 questions. 
1. Are you looking to be financially secure,? or
2. Are you just looking for a comfortable life? or
3. Do you want to be rich?   

Financially secure means you are earning money by having a monthly salary job. 

I'm not financially secure, hence, I'm not financially comfortable, and I'm not looking to be rich either. All I want is to just earn enough to be able to support myself and maybe spend a bit of money on food. The author ask again, do you have any financial plan? NO. My current plan is to just pray that God will continue to bless me with cake business. In fact, sales in April exceeded what I expected.

1.29am
I was supposed to pack for my trip later to Kuching, my first conference but I'm overwhelmed with thoughts at this juncture. A 29 years old DJ committed suicide, that day another dwarf actor also did the same. Despite being so successful with such large fanbase, these people still couldn't find meaning in life. Sometimes you see that I'm so active in these activities, there are certain times at home, I still feel lost and depressed. 

I am struggling with religion. I think I'm no longer a Christian, thanks to an arrogant pastor who made me realized that. I hate that pastor. She said that the Bible is the only truth, so which means others are all false? I cannot have a rational conversation with her, cause she thinks that everything she said is correct. I believe in God, but not Jesus and Jesus is the core of Christianity. I like the concept of God, but not the concept of non-believers will be condemned to eternal hell. I tried to get rid of God, but it just won't work. 

Recently I met a senior who introduced me to her religion and it caught my interest immediately. It's called Baha'i, it was founded in Iran. Their concept is that they accept every religion, and their teachings, Jesus, Mohammad or Buddha are actually the same God. In other words, God appears to different religions in the form of different faces and concepts. I might join them one day.

1.43am
Anyway, enough ranting for now, I felt better after expressing it all out. I shall start packing. I'm both excited and anxious. I'm anxious because I'm afraid of the big crowd, I can't fit in, I'll feel left out. 

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