Saturday, February 24, 2018


My sleeping time is messed up again and I hated it, so here are my midnight rants.

Yesterday I joined my old church Chinese New Year gathering at an uncle's house, they haven't seen me for more than a year. One aunty said that I'm slimmer and prettier. To be frank,  I've heard quite a lot of people saying that I'm prettier, that's because I'm wearing makeup. So, never underestimate the power of makeup and also contact lens. Contacts really change the whole profile of your face. I'll wear that very soon. 

It was really nice to see them again after so long, all the children have grown up, the youth are successful in their respective career, our last time youth leader even bore a cute child. So many things have transpired within a year plus. They have a new pastor, Pastor Lydia, I think in her thirties. She's single and came all the way from our mother church in Subang to serve here. She's very friendly and mostly mingles with the young adults. She even prepared some ice-breaker for us. 

Here how it worked. She made us take some tissues, she told us to take the amount that we use for doing no.2. I knew that was a trick so I only took one. My instinct was proven true, for each ply of tissue, you have to say a fact about yourself. Imagine some of them took eight! Some of us were having trouble to find something to say, so the audience helped by asking questions. Those questions were really funny, the sensitivity of it made it even more hilarious. The entire house erupted with tons of laughter. I've never laughed so hard in my life for quite a while.

Suddenly, I felt a sense of familiarity.
I miss this, I really do. We used to do this a lot during our youth days.
I used to prepare the games, and Michael being the cheeky one will try to say something inappropriate or do some slapstick. Suddenly, all those memories flashed back like an old videotape.

I wanted to go back to church, but I was afraid of commitment. I knew that once I go back, they will ask me to serve again. In fact, one uncle already told me that I should go back and play the keyboard. I was like, SLOW DOWN UNCLE, we just met after a year, this uncle just scares the shit out of me. Immediately, I felt the pressure is building inside of me. 

I can't do that, I have commitment issues. Even with my business, there are times I really wanna give up, but I manage to get through it with the help from my mum and my psychologist, plus all the emotional turmoil that no one else notices. Every time I sign up for something, a seminar, a talk, a launching, etc, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it on that day. Because no one knows if I'm going to explode on that day. In fact, till now, I still feel bad for not making it last minute on a very important event. I missed the whole thing and I had a minor role on that day, luckily they quickly found a person to replace me. That's why when people say, why don't you enrol in some short course? Seriously, I can't even commit to a one-day seminar. How can I commit to something I have to attend every day for a month or a year? 

I quit at so many things in the past few years. My uni foundation, 1 sewing course and 5 jobs (all these jobs lasted not more than a week, the shortest being 2 days only). It's a miracle that my business can last until now. It's been 8 months now. So I'm gonna say kudos to myself for making it so far. It's not easy, especially for someone like me, someone who has high expectation, someone whose thinking is way ahead of everyone else, someone who might have borderline personality disorder, that's what my psychiatrist told me in my last review.

That is why I am on this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I take longer time than anyone else to accept people or things the way they are, even small petty things, and I have problems in committing to anything. 

So yea, I can't go back to church yet. If I start serving, I'll need to commit every week, not only on Sunday but cell group and Friday prayer meeting as well. It's A LOT! Plus I have a lot of debates in my head. Once a person loses faith, it is very hard to get back up again. My experience told me that it wasn't prayers that healed my anxiety, it was the therapy which helped me get through it. It wasn't asking God for peace that gave me peace, it was meditation and deep breathing that calm my nerves down whenever I had a breakdown or panic attacks. 

And from yesterday night, I also learned one thing, it doesn't matter where you go or what you are doing, remember it's always people's business, even in church. This new pastor knows how to create genuine and fun rapport with every member, especially with the younger ones. She's single and yet still gives ang pao, our last pastor who is married never did that, she never jio the youngster to go out, never try to connect with the members in deeper ways other than Christian ways. That's why during the 4 years she was here, the members left one by one, especially the younger ones. Remember, if you want people to join your club, church, association, etc, first, build rapport. It's one of the crucial rules of persuasion. I think I've written about this book before in this blog.

Here's the link.

Good night everyone, it's 2.45am now and I'm still wide awake.

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