Friday, February 17, 2017

A relfection - Belief

I had an epiphany after talking to my psychologist. There are a lot of things you've been taught all these while may not be the entire truth. 

Take Christianity for example, I stopped going to church for a few reasons. 
Since young I've been attending church services faithfully.
Then in my youth, I was an active member trying my very best to organize events to bring the youth together. 

All these years in the church, I was taught to fear God. In the Old Testament, God was depicted as a fearful unforgiving God. He would send punishments in the form of plagues and famine to His people, and that made me scared of him. So when I addressed this problem to my church member, they told me to skip the Old Testament and focus on the New Testament. They say I must read the bible everyday to keep connected to God. 

I was told that don't wait until you're about to face death then you start to believe. One of the more extreme church I've attended before kept on emphasizing about the coming of Jesus Christ and heaven. They don't use pianos and guitars, because in heaven there are no these type of instruments. Whereas people who don't believe in Jesus will be cast to hell. So everyday I would pray and pray that my love ones would start going to church. 

In my whole life, I was taught to fear this invisible being which I do not exactly sure if he really exists. I was taught that I must pray everyday, and it cannot be just 5 minute long, it must be at least half an hour, because God gave us so much, or else I'm not committed enough. I was told that I need to attend every cell group meeting, 3 times a week, even though I don't feel like it, cause what we discuss in the meeting are practically the same as the Sunday sermon. At times, because of my duty in church, I felt like I'm obligated to attend church instead of attending it on my own will. 

I tried going back to church, it no longer felt the same, sermons annoyed me. There's a constant debate in my mind about the whole bible. 

Come to think of it, there's no concrete evidence that the bible is the truth. In fact it was not written by God himself, it was written by humans. Human's own interpretation. Not to mention all the christian books and daily breads out there, they are all human's own interpretation. The more I read these, the more I felt stressed as I felt the need to follow every thing they said. 

I find that christians are as rigid as uncooked spaghetti. Take LGBT issue for example. 
When I asked a christian counselor about it, she was not keen on discussing about this topic but told me to just read the bible. I asked another church member whether homosexual is nature or nurture, she strongly denied it was nature. Do you know why do Christians refused to accept that gays are nature? It is because by accepting that, they are agreeing that God made them that way, which of course contradicts the bible teachings. 

All of these teachings and sermons had created an insecurity inside me, that's why I'm worried all the time. Sadly to say that I think I got anxiety because of Christianity. I was constantly worried that I will offend this mighty God and got punished. That's why at some point I thought that my illness is a punishment from Him. Everyday I will ask for forgiveness even though I didn't make any mistakes, because that's what I was taught, we need to be humble by seeking forgiveness everyday. I am worried that if I don't pray everyday, my love ones won't be protected and might face danger. 

These people are living in fear, because they are living in the future! Everyday they are waiting and preparing themselves for the second coming of Christ and forgot to live in the present. How can you be happy if you're constantly worrying about the unknown?!

Here's a chinese saying which I find so relatable and I think you should ponder about it too.

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. 

If you are anxious, you are living in the future. 
If you are at peace you are living in the present. 

And do you realize that the word "present" has a second meaning?

Yesterday is a History.

Tomorrow is a Mystery. 
Today is a Gift.
That's why it's called Present.

This is my blog's quote, I just realized that the answer to happiness has always been right in front of my eye! 

My therapist  recommended a simple technique called Mindfulness. It's a kind of meditation which teaches us to be at the moment, to be aware of our body and surrounding. Our brain is too busy thinking of the past and the future, it needed some rest. You can download this app called Headspace, it really helped me to relax and embrace the present. 

I tried to ditch God a lot of time, but I couldn't, His existence had been deeply ingrained in me. Hence I still believe in Him, I still pray, but I won't read the bible or attend church anymore. 

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