Friday, February 17, 2017

A relfection - Belief

I had an epiphany after talking to my psychologist. There are a lot of things you've been taught all these while may not be the entire truth. 

Take Christianity for example, I stopped going to church for a few reasons. 
Since young I've been attending church services faithfully.
Then in my youth, I was an active member trying my very best to organize events to bring the youth together. 

All these years in the church, I was taught to fear God. In the Old Testament, God was depicted as a fearful unforgiving God. He would send punishments in the form of plagues and famine to His people, and that made me scared of him. So when I addressed this problem to my church member, they told me to skip the Old Testament and focus on the New Testament. They say I must read the bible everyday to keep connected to God. 

I was told that don't wait until you're about to face death then you start to believe. One of the more extreme church I've attended before kept on emphasizing about the coming of Jesus Christ and heaven. They don't use pianos and guitars, because in heaven there are no these type of instruments. Whereas people who don't believe in Jesus will be cast to hell. So everyday I would pray and pray that my love ones would start going to church. 

In my whole life, I was taught to fear this invisible being which I do not exactly sure if he really exists. I was taught that I must pray everyday, and it cannot be just 5 minute long, it must be at least half an hour, because God gave us so much, or else I'm not committed enough. I was told that I need to attend every cell group meeting, 3 times a week, even though I don't feel like it, cause what we discuss in the meeting are practically the same as the Sunday sermon. At times, because of my duty in church, I felt like I'm obligated to attend church instead of attending it on my own will. 

I tried going back to church, it no longer felt the same, sermons annoyed me. There's a constant debate in my mind about the whole bible. 

Come to think of it, there's no concrete evidence that the bible is the truth. In fact it was not written by God himself, it was written by humans. Human's own interpretation. Not to mention all the christian books and daily breads out there, they are all human's own interpretation. The more I read these, the more I felt stressed as I felt the need to follow every thing they said. 

I find that christians are as rigid as uncooked spaghetti. Take LGBT issue for example. 
When I asked a christian counselor about it, she was not keen on discussing about this topic but told me to just read the bible. I asked another church member whether homosexual is nature or nurture, she strongly denied it was nature. Do you know why do Christians refused to accept that gays are nature? It is because by accepting that, they are agreeing that God made them that way, which of course contradicts the bible teachings. 

All of these teachings and sermons had created an insecurity inside me, that's why I'm worried all the time. Sadly to say that I think I got anxiety because of Christianity. I was constantly worried that I will offend this mighty God and got punished. That's why at some point I thought that my illness is a punishment from Him. Everyday I will ask for forgiveness even though I didn't make any mistakes, because that's what I was taught, we need to be humble by seeking forgiveness everyday. I am worried that if I don't pray everyday, my love ones won't be protected and might face danger. 

These people are living in fear, because they are living in the future! Everyday they are waiting and preparing themselves for the second coming of Christ and forgot to live in the present. How can you be happy if you're constantly worrying about the unknown?!

Here's a chinese saying which I find so relatable and I think you should ponder about it too.

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. 

If you are anxious, you are living in the future. 
If you are at peace you are living in the present. 

And do you realize that the word "present" has a second meaning?

Yesterday is a History.

Tomorrow is a Mystery. 
Today is a Gift.
That's why it's called Present.

This is my blog's quote, I just realized that the answer to happiness has always been right in front of my eye! 

My therapist  recommended a simple technique called Mindfulness. It's a kind of meditation which teaches us to be at the moment, to be aware of our body and surrounding. Our brain is too busy thinking of the past and the future, it needed some rest. You can download this app called Headspace, it really helped me to relax and embrace the present. 

I tried to ditch God a lot of time, but I couldn't, His existence had been deeply ingrained in me. Hence I still believe in Him, I still pray, but I won't read the bible or attend church anymore. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Playing With Anxiety

Everyone has anxiety as our lives now are getting more and more complicated than before.
Relationships, career, family, financial problems, illness etc.
It's natural and perfectly normal to worry, however, some of us worry so much up to an extent that it affect our daily routines, it's called anxiety disorder.

People with anxiety disorder like me, tend to worry practically everything from little things such as a bug to upcoming big events, all the time, anywhere! When our worries become too overwhelming, we start to get panic, our palms will sweat excessively, our hearts beat faster and louder, our whole body feel uncomfortable, we feel nauseous and some of us eventually puke.

That's how anxiety disorder feels like.

I remember going for a job interview last year, on the way to the office, my worries started to amplified as we get closer to the destination. I had all the symptoms mentioned above, the next minute I knew, I was screaming and crying out loud like a newborn in the car. It felt like going to kindergarten on the first day all over again. I told mum I couldn't make it, it was too scary, I wouldn't be able to face the scary interviewer. Let's quickly make a U-turn and go home. 

Just like usual, mum would try to coax me, told me to calm down and everything was not as scary as I thought. In the end, after regaining my composure, I braved myself and walked into that office alone. Thank God that Running Man was on the tv while I was waiting for my turn at the lounge area, the laughter made me forgot about the anxiety for a while.

Long story short, I got the job and the interviewer was not scary at all. However I found out that the job didn't suit me. In conclusion, all of these are just stories in my head. Thanks brain for the wild imagination. 

Here's a book I recently read about anxiety. It gave me a whole new insight about this condition I think all of you should read it too. It teaches us how to manage our anxiety when it strikes. 

It's available in Suria library, or you can go to this website and download its free ebook. 

Happy Reading and Happy Valentines Day!

Monday, February 13, 2017

Thanks for the Support

Few days ago, I stumbled upon a Facebook page called Minda. It's a Malaysian organization which helps to raise awareness about mental health. Inside that page, many people are stepping out to share their mental illness stories. I was truly inspired by these people and at that instant, I decided that I wanna be one of them.

I was extremely scared at first, looking at a blank yellow paper (I ran out of white), still doubting if this is a bad decision. Anyhow, the next minute I know, I started designing my words. 

So here is the picture I posted on my Facebook. It took me great courage and a lot of doubts to do this. My heart was pounding out loud and fast when I clicked that post button.
 I've got to say, I'm so proud of myself. 

Little did I know that this post had inspired many other of my Facebook friends, even acquaintance. Likes and loves came swarming in like bees for the past few days. Teachers, relatives, friends and even strangers gave me words of encouragement for my bravery. 214 likes and 19 comments!
I have never received so many likes before in my entire life!

 I wanna thank all of you who have shown your support, I definitely feel the love. 
So here's a bone crushing hug for you all.

People like me who are currently struggling and fighting alone out there, please don't be afraid to show who you are. I was afraid once. Afraid of  being viewed differently, afraid of being called crazy and afraid of getting rejected by the society. However, this post just showed otherwise. I received tremendous supports from people who knew me. Not even 1 negative remarks were given.

Hence I urge you to stand up, speak up about it and receive help and sometimes blessings too.

Click Here to see my story featured in Minda's official Facebook page.

You're still not too late to join the bravery squad. Yes, that's what I called these wonderful people like me for their extraordinary courage. Trust me, it wasn't easy for us to make that decision to let the whole world know about our illness. 

You don't have to have mental illness to support this cause. Just go to Minda official page, post a photo of yourself with some encouraging words, then #ImNotAshamed and #TeamNotAshamedMY. Then tag Minda and Relate Malaysia. That's all.

If you are too shy to do so, what you can do is to educate yourself more about mental health issues.
So I hope you can be part of the cause to raise awareness about mental illness.

Have a great day =)

Friday, February 10, 2017

The underlying danger of online shopping

Online shopping has existed long time ago, however I only started to experience the joy of buying (clicking)  stuff online this year. Earlier this year I told my mum I didn't want any birthday presents, I just wanna have a celebratory meal with my family. So she suggested to give me some money and buy anything that I like since she doesn't know what I like. 

So that's how I started online shopping.
My first item was a tripod stand, however I made a mistake, it was too short, and Lazada wouldn't let me cancel my shipment, hence I got this 1 meter plus tripod stand. Barely high enough to take any family photos. My second item is on it's way now.

The mode of shopping has been shifting from the traditional store to online store. With so many tough competitions out there, businessman are selling their product through an online platform, which offers a more cheaper version of the product sold out there as there are no overhead cost. That's why more and more people opt for online shopping instead. Online shopping has become a trend. If you're a businessman and haven't adapt to this mode, you'll might fall very far behind others who had done so. 

So what's interesting about online shopping? It's literally at the tip of your finger.
See what you like, click and voila! You bought that stuff. 
So what's so dangerous about it?

It's easy. Way too easy.

You can keep on clicking and clicking and clicking the whole day. 
There's no end to it, you can browse for goods whole day wherever you are, even in the loo! 
Unlike shopping malls, you can leave after finding the stuffs you want or having sore legs after shopping too much. By the way did you know that there is no clock inside the shopping mall?
That's because it's part of their strategy of not wanting you to realize that you have to leave already. 

There are pros and cons of online shopping, let's see the pros.

1. It's simple and hassle free, just click and wait your parcels to arrive right in front of your doorstep.

2. You can compare up to thousands of the same category products and read their reviews or ratings to help in making decision. 

3. You feel like receiving a present from yourself when your post arrive, and that's quite fun!

Here comes the cons.

1. There is no limit to it, if you're not careful enough with your financial planning, you'll might end up in debts. This is the most dangerous part, you definitely don't wanna fall into this trap.

2. Some of the products may not be what you have seen online. There are so many funny stories of how these online buyers found their products were far from expected, especially clothing. The material, the colour and the size matters! My cousin is also one of the victim.
That's why I will never buy clothes online, plus I'm not a typical lean size lady.

3. You need to pay for shipping fee and wait for your products, some may take a while if it's shipped from overseas. Some of it got damaged during the shipping, and here comes the problem, they are many procedures, refund and all that. Sometimes you are required to pay the refund shipping fee as well. 

So that's it for now, I hope all the buyers out there be rational while online shopping, buy only what you need. There's no wrong to reward yourself occasionally with stuffs you really like especially after working really hard on something. Just bear in mind that, unless you are loaded as Jack Ma, don't buy excessively. 

Happy shopping!