Sunday, June 10, 2018

改朝换代 - 509大选

能够在这一生亲自目睹马来西亚历史性的一刻是一种福气,也是一种感动,因此要好好记载下来。

2018年5月9日对我国人民来说是个重大的日子,509 是我国的第十四届大选。大家都对次大选充满期待。我们能否改朝换代,打败腐败的国阵,和驱走那只鸡,就靠这一天。

509前一个晚上,我约了一班老同学出来喝茶,顺便庆祝生日。


四月和五月的生日宝宝。我亲自做了一个六寸的斑斓凝乳蛋糕给他们。


非常欣慰看到大家都有执行他们身为选民的任务。
Tuang, Herbert, Annette 和 Donald 特地从西马飞回来投票,好感动哦!

当日,妈妈七早八早一个人上Papar投票,爸爸下Likas投票,我和弟弟在家等。十点左右,妈妈回来载我们俩去SMK Putatan 投票。我们一家四口被派到三个不同的选区,东奔西跑,就为了投我们手上那神圣的一票。


我们每天回家路途上的画面,一片深蓝的旗子在空中飘荡。

我和弟弟第一次投票,所以当天心情带点兴奋,又带点犹豫,很怕像我们这样的新手到时候会遇到一些突发状况之类。投票前几天,社交媒体上都疯传着关于大选的咨询,基本上关于投票所有的资料,我都背得滚瓜烂熟了。

到了学校,只见外面车水马龙,里面人山人海,好像有什么好莱坞大明星来访一样。我们拿着印好的个人资料跟着人群寻找报名处。接着,我们被安排到各自的投票站,我和弟弟都被派到第七站。

我被排着队准备投票的那条长龙吓傻了,同时也感到非常欣慰。这意味着,大家都有尽他们的责任来投票。大家一面玩手机,刷脸书更新状态,一面耐心地乖乖地排队。老人家和带着孩子的父母可享有优先的待遇。排了一个多小时,终于论到我们了。我相信大家也和我一样,飙汗飙个不停。


这只是长龙的一部分,我前面站着应该有五十个那么多。

到了教室里面,有三个穿着灰色制服的选举委员会,SPR工作人员在场。一个负责报编号,一个负责把我们的手指上色,还有一个负责派发选票。对面坐着一个官员,旁边有三个PACA的志愿工作者帮忙交叉检查,以防万一有人假冒身份。门口站着两位警察叔叔,氛围还蛮严肃的。确定编号后,工作人员把我的手指压进一个像书法墨汁的瓶子里,我的左手食指顿时变深紫色,闻起来味道有点奇怪。


执行任务 - 完成!西 - 我,北 - 爸爸,东- 妈妈,南 - 弟弟。

用纸巾抱着乌黑黑的食指,我小心翼翼地拿了选票到投票格子里面,看清楚党的标志后,用力地在格子里面打个叉。这一个叉看似渺小,看似无法改变些什么,对我而言却代表着一个渴望的改变,是我人生中最重要的一个叉。

以沙巴的形式来看,最有胜算的是沙巴民族复兴党, 因为他们和西马的希望联盟一起联手打击现有的政府 - 国阵。因此,我们全家都投这个党。投这一党,不是因为喜欢或全力支持他们,是为了想要给新的政权统治一个机会带领沙巴迈入更好的明天,现有的政府实在是烂透了!贪官泛滥,那么多年,沙巴依然是其中一个最落后的州属!实在是看不下去了!五年后若做不好,我相信我们可以再以人民的力量,把政权换掉。

Parti Warisan Sabah, 
Sabah Heritage Party
沙巴民族复兴党

但愿你们实行你们的承诺,把人民和州属的利益放在第一。
不要辜负人民对你们的期望和信任,滥用政权不会有好下场的。

晚上,我和妈妈守夜,就为了不要错过任何最新消息。我们一面观看电视台Astro AEC 新闻报报看主播们详细的分析,一面刷官方网站更新509大选咨询。那时候的情况太刺激了,其他州属的选区成绩一个一个揭晓,唯有沙巴的成绩迟迟未公布。大家都在猜疑是不是出了一些状况。后来发现,的确是出了问题。沙巴的选举委员会,SPR不肯签名。成绩已经有了,但不被承认,有人一直要求从算票数。

看大选的数据比看羽球赛还紧张,尤其是国阵和希望联盟的胜票不相上下的时候。老将,全军覆没,惨败,等字眼都被用来描述希望联盟对垒国阵和伊斯兰党的三角战,主播们说得好像历史打仗一样。听说主播们当天晚上连续8小马拉松直播

接近三点,官方网张还未公布总成绩,敦马已经率领希盟的重头人物开记者会,宣布赢了509大选,我和妈妈才松了一口气 - 马来西亚终于变天了


这个是当天来自当今大马官方网站的成绩。希望联盟以122多数票的国席胜选。你会发现到霹雳州和沙巴和当时陷入悬峙状态(hung parliament)。沙巴29对29,还有两席由Jeffrey Kitingan 率领的STAR胜选. 所以Star自然成为了King Maker, 造王者。

沙巴处于悬峙状态那几天好像在看连续剧一样,好多只青蛙跳来跳去。持有两个州议席的Star主席同意和国阵联手做政府,当时的沙巴前首席部长慕沙抓紧时间,晚上11点宣誓就任。那时,大家都很愤怒,网民都痛骂Jeffrey Kitingan是只大大的烂青蛙。后来,大家都质疑沙巴大选成绩有问题,为什么一直要求从算。听说从算之前,反对党赢得34席,从算之后却变成和国阵打平。这件事显然不对路,引起了全沙巴人民不满。敦马得知沙巴这里的情况后,出言一定查个水落石出并要严厉以对那些用肮胀手段的奸人。不知是不是因为听到这一番言论吓得某些人尿裤子,赶紧从国阵那里跳了过来。

结果,沙巴反对党以31席的多数票票夺回沙巴执政权。当时我和大嫂一直交换信息,她的霹雳州也如此,后来也是和这里一样,几只青蛙自愿从国阵那里跳过去反对党。

所以,希望联盟总共赢得了8个州属。


这是来自新洲日报的官方消息。穆斯林在我的必打丹区域占了接近七成那么多,国阵依然输给反对党PKR。这只能证明一件简单的事,国阵一直否认的马来海啸,既然发生了,就连你们一直认为永远支持你们马来人也看你们这些贪官不顺眼了。

为了这次的大选,各界人士都出动出尽自己的本分。

谢谢你,幕后的志工们,为了正义而挺身而出;
谢谢你,勇敢的候选人,为了人民的未来而出来打仗;
谢谢你,两家宣誓死敌,为了拯救我国而愿意放下过去恩怨;
谢谢你,媒体工作人员,为了新最新消息而不分昼夜奔波;最后
谢谢你,马来西亚人民,为了自己的一片将来出钱出力尽一份责任。

让我们一起来塑造更好的明天,更好的马来西亚。

今天6月18日,新政党执政1个月9天,我的食指的黑印也完全洗脱了。几乎每一天都会听到关于红到外国的一马公司,1MDB的震撼新闻,国家财政部长林冠英公布国家有一兆那么多的债务要偿还,前首相纳吉和夫人的丑闻从未间断过,前沙巴首席部长慕沙搞失踪。变天只是反对党成功在马来西亚历史书上掀起了新的一页,真正的挑战才要开始。但愿希望联盟不但能够彻底斩草除根,改革腐败的政权,更重要的同时也能改变大马人民落后和古板的思维模式。

改变,从你我开始。

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Bamboo

I'm depressed again these few days for many reasons. Let's look at my list of a long rant.

Firstly, for some reason, 3 people didn't reply my message this week. I don't know what the hell have I done wrong until I deserved this type of ignorance. Seen but no reply. Luckily it's not anything important or else my panic attack would hit me again but still enough to make me anxious. WHY?!

Secondly, I found out that lesser and lesser people cared about me. Not even my TM mentor, in fact, I think she never cared, she never asked about my speech or how am I doing. I guess she is very confident that I can do this myself, even during my first speech, she said no need to read my script and told me to just go with it. Honestly, I think I'm doing even better than my mentor, she is a 65-year-old grandma, always blur blur. I can't blame her entirely, she's old and quite new in TM. 

There's only one person who actually asks about my TM development, the president. Every time I took a new role, she'd text me and be happy for me and ask me if I need any help, a day before my speech, she'll ask me how am I doing. Last time, I was so depressed until I think that I might not be able to make it, then she texted me and it warmed my heart immediately. These TM ladies knew that I have this sickness as I'd told them during my first speech. Yet, only one cared. I guess these ladies are pretty much the same like some of my friends, many knew about it, but only a few cared about it. 

Thirdly, my own psychologist. We were planning to form an official association for our support group, so that day we already talked to the founder of the patient-led organization in West Malaysia. But after talking, we found out that we have different approaches to healing, they are very religious based, the founder is a Muslim, so anything about healing goes back to their Allah. And here in Sabah, we are more on using scientific approaches like the mindfulness. We have 3 facilitators in our group, and so far in May, nothing happened. No one arranged any meeting. 

That day a member asked me how's the collaboration thing so far, I told her I'll ask Sandi about it. When I ask Sandi about it, she told me to ask the founder myself.  I was like WTF?! WHY AM I THE ONE WHO SHOULD ASK? ISN"T IT YOUR JOB TO ASK THEM? All these while, you've been doing nothing? YOU ARE THE FUCKING FOUNDER OF THIS GROUP, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SAID WANT TO MAKE IT BETTER. I was so angry that time. It's like she doesn't even care. Her sikap sambil lewa was pissing me off. I guess you stop caring once you've moved to somewhere else. 

Fourthly, I was super anxious because I am the OC for a TM event this Saturday. And so far the attendance list is very disappointing. I promoted everywhere, Instagram, Facebook, every WhatsApp group that I'm in, it's just frustrating especially the targeted group, which is that bunch of powerful women group. Less then 10 is coming. I posted there 3 times, 3 times straight ignorance. So the president posted it again, finally, a Datuk replied that she cannot come because she has exams coming up. Then you know what happened? Those ass kissers ignored the event message and went straight to reply the Datuk's message, telling her all the best in her exam etc. I was again pissed to the max!!! 

OH I HATE THESE ASS KISSERS. I really wanted to leave that group, it's nothing but a bunch of opportunists who like to lick shoes and show off whenever there is press around. URGHHHH!!!!!! I'm going to transform into HULK soon! But then, the Bruce Banner inside me decided that it's not rational to do that, so I'm gonna calm down myself, wait one day when I become a datuk or some VVVVVVIP, then, I'm going to shove the same ignorance that I received today right into these ass kissers' faces. 

Lastly, I was depressed because I saw how a young politician had achieved so much in his age. I was comparing myself to him. I forgot that I'm sick. So far, I've achieved nothing much, some of you think that my business is thriving, actually, it's just surviving. So far in May, I only have one order and 2 cancelled orders. I found out that a same age girl in my support group is having an exact same situation as me. We both have low self-esteem and no confidence, that's because we don't have a job or a stable salary, we're trying to be independent, but it's so hard. At the same time, the past will creep on us once in a while. 

Then I saw a post on facebook which made me feel so much better, a post called The Bamboo.

There is a type of bamboo in China called the Mao Bamboo. These village folks plant them and take very good care of them. Other people don't understand and made fun of them because the bamboo only grows 3cm within 4 years. But little did these people know that, during the 5th year, the Mao Bamboo will grow 30cm a day! Within 6 weeks, they will grow up till 15m, and soon enough, the 3cm little bamboos now become a forest. 

The moral of the story is, some people are like these Mao bamboos, you don't see them achieve anything in those 4 years, we might think them as fools seeing them working so hard for nothing. But deep down inside, they are growing their roots, they are building their foundation. When the time comes, they will shoot very fast and very high just like the bamboo within 6 weeks. So never underestimate those who SEEMED to have nothing right now. One day, they might soar above you. 

Ass kissers, watch me. I'll make sure that one day when I have the power and money, you'll kiss my FUCKING ass! 

Friday, April 27, 2018

1.18am

1.18am
Thoughts are running wild like a horse on a meadow. 

My anxiety hit me again when I saw the scale, I gained weight because of lacking the motivation to move. I rarely go to dancing class cause I find no meaning there anymore. The teacher is always trying to stall time by telling us her useless stories. I'm not interested. I'm interested in new steps, new dance, new choreography, or if you don't teach that because you're afraid the others cannot catch up, at least teach me how to improve my skills. None of those happened.

I got kind of depressed again when I couldn't find a dress for an upcoming gala dinner. So instead, I bought a top and a skirt to match. I'm worried that it might not be formal enough for a big event like this.

I'm also getting tired of my sleeping pattern, for a whole month, I've been sleeping daytime, and waking up at night time. Hence, daytime events are a torture for me. I really wanted to change, but it was hard, not having a routine job is not helping. Baking is good, but not every day I bake.

Recently, I read a book about investment. The author asked these 3 questions. 
1. Are you looking to be financially secure,? or
2. Are you just looking for a comfortable life? or
3. Do you want to be rich?   

Financially secure means you are earning money by having a monthly salary job. 

I'm not financially secure, hence, I'm not financially comfortable, and I'm not looking to be rich either. All I want is to just earn enough to be able to support myself and maybe spend a bit of money on food. The author ask again, do you have any financial plan? NO. My current plan is to just pray that God will continue to bless me with cake business. In fact, sales in April exceeded what I expected.

1.29am
I was supposed to pack for my trip later to Kuching, my first conference but I'm overwhelmed with thoughts at this juncture. A 29 years old DJ committed suicide, that day another dwarf actor also did the same. Despite being so successful with such large fanbase, these people still couldn't find meaning in life. Sometimes you see that I'm so active in these activities, there are certain times at home, I still feel lost and depressed. 

I am struggling with religion. I think I'm no longer a Christian, thanks to an arrogant pastor who made me realized that. I hate that pastor. She said that the Bible is the only truth, so which means others are all false? I cannot have a rational conversation with her, cause she thinks that everything she said is correct. I believe in God, but not Jesus and Jesus is the core of Christianity. I like the concept of God, but not the concept of non-believers will be condemned to eternal hell. I tried to get rid of God, but it just won't work. 

Recently I met a senior who introduced me to her religion and it caught my interest immediately. It's called Baha'i, it was founded in Iran. Their concept is that they accept every religion, and their teachings, Jesus, Mohammad or Buddha are actually the same God. In other words, God appears to different religions in the form of different faces and concepts. I might join them one day.

1.43am
Anyway, enough ranting for now, I felt better after expressing it all out. I shall start packing. I'm both excited and anxious. I'm anxious because I'm afraid of the big crowd, I can't fit in, I'll feel left out. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

A Cakey Disaster

During an International Women's Day event, I was really inspired by this successful lady's entrepreneurship journey. I was really amazed at her wits at turning crisis into opportunities. Two weeks ago, I had my first major crisis, so here it goes.


This was my finished product of a forcefully decorated 2kg fresh fruit cake for a baby full moon party. Everything seemed all right until...... when I lifted up the whole thing and put it down with my utmost care, most of the grapes on the edge fell and the whipped cream was in a hot mess! That time, I was already exhausted and frustrated cause the whipped cream didn't turn out as stable as I expected. 

Anxiety got the hang of me and my panic attack struck again. So what did I do after that? Just like a balloon, I exploded into tears at one tiny little prick. I dashed into my room and cried like a baby for 10 minutes. In retrospect, I think this cake should be meant for me, I'm a crybaby. So as usual, my mum came in and calmed me down like a baby. After regaining my composure, I went back to the kitchen and started to think of ways of how to save this hot pile of mess while my mum went out to buy some whipping cream.


So I had scrapped everything off, then I quickly whipped a new batch of cream and started to redecorate the whole thing again.


And this was how I gave my disaster cake a new transformation. No one knows it was a hot mess under disguise except for all the readers who are reading this post. I personally think this version is much better than the first one. Clean and simple is a virtue sometimes. In hindsight, that was a good decision. I was glad that I redo the whole thing. Or else, if the cream didn't fall while I'm still at home, it will definitely fall apart somewhere when I deliver it all the way to Kinarut, or when my clients handle it much later.

Things that I've learnt from this experience.

1. Never do things last minute. 
Thank God that I still had ample time to redo the whole thing. I decorated it in the morning and delivered it in the late afternoon.

2. Always stick to what you know best
If you want to experiment with something new, do it when it's not for an official business. Then when it fails, it won't cost you a cake and a client. I tried to experiment by combining 2 different whipping cream. Whipped dairy cream tasted so much better than non-dairy, of course, it also costs twice as more, that's why bakeries never use dairy cream. I really wanted that rich milkiness dairy whipped cream in my cream. So I tried to combine it together, guess what, I ended up in a disaster. The dairy cream has a different texture and is more unstable. When I saw the mixture became more liquid, I whipped it again, I think this was where I've done wrong, I overwhipped it. This is a good example of an experiment gone bad.

By the way, this is why the locals hate whipped cream, cause it tastes really artificial compared to the real dairy one thing. That's why the westerners like to eat whipped cream so much, they always add a dash of whipped cream in any dessert. Seriously, it tastes really different, but that's the thing, it's not stable enough to pipe really beautiful decorations.

3. When you sense that something is not right, believe your sense and take immediate action.
In this case, my whipped cream. I knew it wasn't turning out as what I expected, but I still used it anyway. Am I just plain stupid or ignorant or both?

4. Let it go
Sometimes, it's best to let go of something than to dig yourself into a deeper trouble. I was adamant to throw away that big bowl of cream. That's why and how I got myself into humongous trouble after that. Sometimes, I failed to figure out which loss costs more? The RM20 bowl of whipped cream? Or a 2kg worth of cake, a client and my reputation? 

5. Made a mistake? Try again!
This is the most important part, it's the choice that you make when something goes awry. It's ok to make mistake, it's ok to panic and has a breakdown after that, but in the end, get up at try again. 

I need to give myself a pat on the shoulder, for someone who has anxiety, you don't know how anxious I was when I was faced with this kind of situation. If anxiety can be measured by temperature, I would say a thousand degree. A big thank you to my mama for always supporting me and helping me to clean up my mess, literally a big pile of mess. You should look at my kitchen after that. I recently read a book called "The Up Side of Down", it says everything about failure and I felt like my third eye was opened! I'll do a write up about that in my next post. Stay tuned! 

Entrepreneurship Journey

Whoa, I'd ignored this blog for more than a month. I haven't been quite productive in writing these few weeks cause writing requires me to sit up right in front of my laptop. For a potato couch like me, I needed some motivation to do that. 

You see, writing a blog post, or a book doesn't give you an instant reward. For example like my cake business, I do, then I earn cash. So I'm kinda not really eager to do that. Plus producing a book requires a huge sum of money, and it has no guarantee that it's going to sell well, so it's basically a risk. That's the difference between an entrepreneur and an employee. An entrepreneur will always have to figure out how things work and how to put them together, and at the end of the day, you'll cross your finger that all your hard work is going to pay off. In other words, there is no guarantee in entrepreneurship.

I attended a talk a few months ago, there was this 60 something Malaysian lady who opened up my mind to entrepreneurship. This powerful gao gao woman owns a healthcare and beauty product company. While interviewing some youngsters, she asked them why do they want to be an entrepreneur? Their reply was because they don't want a 9 to 5 job. She said, if that's your answer, then you are not ready to become one. 

Entrepreneurship is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week work. Clients may call you in the middle of the night. Everywhere you go is a chance to network and promote your brand, even on a holiday trip. My former work manager is an extreme networker. She managed to recruit a few people to join her team while queuing to buy something. Can you imagine that?! That's how effective and desperate a networker is when she wanted more business. So if you think that by being an entrepreneur can allow you to go home at 5pm and rest, then you might as well don't start a business.

Of course, when I first stepped into this business, I didn't give it that much thought. All I wanted was to do something that I know (not necessarily good at, I'll show you in another post) and earn a little cash. I remember that time, I asked my mother, I don't know anyone, who am I going to sell it to? I only have my high school classmates. Little did I know that it would become a real business, with an official Facebook page and a logo to go with it. The other day, I met a stranger at a toastmaster meeting, she said she'd heard of Winnee Bakes. I was so gobsmacked to learn about this. I was like...what???!!!! REALLY??!!! 

I am unknowingly building my own brand from scratch, I have become an entrepreneur at the age of 23. 

Honestly, I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for a stranger whom I met at a book launching, I would still be at home feeling hopeless and clueless. I was very lucky x1000 enough to be invited to join a prestigious group of successful, rich and influential people. How influential? Datuk, Datin, the owner of this hotel, the founder of that organization, the managing director of this company, you name it. I considered myself honoured and blessed to have this opportunity to know them, to get business/referrals from them and to learn from them.

But the most important thing is, I took action. If I didn't join despite the kind invitation, nothing will come out of it. I remembered she invited another person to come to that organization's event as well, but that lady didn't show up. Fast forward to today, I'm currently a member with abundant of opportunities waiting ahead of me, and she's not.

Cheers to my entrepreneurship journey!

Stay tuned for my next post about some cakey business.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

I just want you

I know I'll get rejected, but still, I'm putting hope, no matter how little it is, to ask you to be a part of my life, just because you're my best friend. No one cared for me like you do, do you know that? My high school best friend is now residing happily in Japan and rarely talks to me, doesn't even reply my messages. My other friend is clung to her boyfriend 24 hours, surely no time for me. The other one only finds me once in a while, because she said she was too lazy to follow up. 

Every time whenever there is a gathering or event, the first person I thought is you, because I want you to be part of it, because I don't want you looking at the photos later and then regretted it, I know I will. Only 1 or 2 times I know you won't be able to make it because you are not allowed to stay outside until so late. Every time I missed a gathering, I wish I was there. 

You've rejected me so many times, yet I still asked. But this time I'm a little bit more than upset, or should I say I've had enough of it. Aren't you a little bit excited that your friend is asking you out to go out touring with you? I know I did! The moment they asked me if I wanna go on that trip, I got super excited. I'll start imagining all the fun we gonna have, the sweet memories we're going to create with each other, and the tons of photos that we gonna take. 

Every time you have to listen to your mum, your mum says no, then you'll say no. Your mum says men are all bad, then you're not going to find a boyfriend and settle down. For god sake friend, you are 23 years old. You are not underage anymore. For one time, just one time, make a decision for yourself. Don't make decisions based on your mum's opinion, sometimes biased one some more. I'm 24, I told my mum I want to go on a trip with my friend, that's my decision, not hers. And of course, she said yes. Because she knew very well that'll make me happy. Aren't mums supposed to do that? I'm gonna say it here, your mum is overprotective. When is she going to let you grow, you are not going to be by her side forever, one day you'll find love, you'll have your own family, you'll be an independent strong woman. She needs to understand that asap.

Back in 2016 during Miri trip, I was forever grateful to be included in that trip, that was my first trip with friends, and I had lots of fun. You are not much different than our friend Grace, who also has an overprotective mother, both your mother talk non-stop. You both don't have facebook or any other social media account, but's shes even worst, she never understood the connection of friendship. Is that why you delete your facebook? Cause you're too afraid to see all the fun things that you've missed? 

Going on a trip with friends is like one of a lifetime opportunity, seriously if you think we aren't gonna plan our route and just sit in the hotel and then googling info and wasting time and money, then you leave me speechless. Yea right, we're so gonna do that when we reach there.

Some part of your thinking is still back in high school. You may not realize this, but every time we have a gathering, you talk about our high school memories. We've moved on, friend. We're no longer in high school. We are now working adults, some looking for romance, and some are ready to settle down. Face it friend, we've all grown up whether you like it or not. It's time to make your own decision.

You know friend, you are the sweetest and funniest friend that I've ever met. And I'm really grateful that you're part of my life. But I'm gonna be more grateful if you can grow up with us, join us, have fun with us and most importantly, be mature with us. My mum said you're the most 懂事的女孩, none of our same age friends is as 懂事 as you. But if you could add that valuable element together with a bit of openness and growth, you'll be a wonder woman. All of the men out there couldn't wait to take you home and your mother in laws would be happy forever. I just wish we have the same vision, which is to go out explore, have a little fun, find love and travel the world together. I wish your mum could be more open-minded and see that too. 

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Commitment

My sleeping time is messed up again and I hated it, so here are my midnight rants.

Yesterday I joined my old church Chinese New Year gathering at an uncle's house, they haven't seen me for more than a year. One aunty said that I'm slimmer and prettier. To be frank,  I've heard quite a lot of people saying that I'm prettier, that's because I'm wearing makeup. So, never underestimate the power of makeup and also contact lens. Contacts really change the whole profile of your face. I'll wear that very soon. 

It was really nice to see them again after so long, all the children have grown up, the youth are successful in their respective career, our last time youth leader even bore a cute child. So many things have transpired within a year plus. They have a new pastor, Pastor Lydia, I think in her thirties. She's single and came all the way from our mother church in Subang to serve here. She's very friendly and mostly mingles with the young adults. She even prepared some ice-breaker for us. 

Here how it worked. She made us take some tissues, she told us to take the amount that we use for doing no.2. I knew that was a trick so I only took one. My instinct was proven true, for each ply of tissue, you have to say a fact about yourself. Imagine some of them took eight! Some of us were having trouble to find something to say, so the audience helped by asking questions. Those questions were really funny, the sensitivity of it made it even more hilarious. The entire house erupted with tons of laughter. I've never laughed so hard in my life for quite a while.

Suddenly, I felt a sense of familiarity.
I miss this, I really do. We used to do this a lot during our youth days.
I used to prepare the games, and Michael being the cheeky one will try to say something inappropriate or do some slapstick. Suddenly, all those memories flashed back like an old videotape.

I wanted to go back to church, but I was afraid of commitment. I knew that once I go back, they will ask me to serve again. In fact, one uncle already told me that I should go back and play the keyboard. I was like, SLOW DOWN UNCLE, we just met after a year, this uncle just scares the shit out of me. Immediately, I felt the pressure is building inside of me. 

I can't do that, I have commitment issues. Even with my business, there are times I really wanna give up, but I manage to get through it with the help from my mum and my psychologist, plus all the emotional turmoil that no one else notices. Every time I sign up for something, a seminar, a talk, a launching, etc, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it on that day. Because no one knows if I'm going to explode on that day. In fact, till now, I still feel bad for not making it last minute on a very important event. I missed the whole thing and I had a minor role on that day, luckily they quickly found a person to replace me. That's why when people say, why don't you enrol in some short course? Seriously, I can't even commit to a one-day seminar. How can I commit to something I have to attend every day for a month or a year? 

I quit at so many things in the past few years. My uni foundation, 1 sewing course and 5 jobs (all these jobs lasted not more than a week, the shortest being 2 days only). It's a miracle that my business can last until now. It's been 8 months now. So I'm gonna say kudos to myself for making it so far. It's not easy, especially for someone like me, someone who has high expectation, someone whose thinking is way ahead of everyone else, someone who might have borderline personality disorder, that's what my psychiatrist told me in my last review.

That is why I am on this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I take longer time than anyone else to accept people or things the way they are, even small petty things, and I have problems in committing to anything. 

So yea, I can't go back to church yet. If I start serving, I'll need to commit every week, not only on Sunday but cell group and Friday prayer meeting as well. It's A LOT! Plus I have a lot of debates in my head. Once a person loses faith, it is very hard to get back up again. My experience told me that it wasn't prayers that healed my anxiety, it was the therapy which helped me get through it. It wasn't asking God for peace that gave me peace, it was meditation and deep breathing that calm my nerves down whenever I had a breakdown or panic attacks. 

And from yesterday night, I also learned one thing, it doesn't matter where you go or what you are doing, remember it's always people's business, even in church. This new pastor knows how to create genuine and fun rapport with every member, especially with the younger ones. She's single and yet still gives ang pao, our last pastor who is married never did that, she never jio the youngster to go out, never try to connect with the members in deeper ways other than Christian ways. That's why during the 4 years she was here, the members left one by one, especially the younger ones. Remember, if you want people to join your club, church, association, etc, first, build rapport. It's one of the crucial rules of persuasion. I think I've written about this book before in this blog.

Here's the link.
http://winner-of-winsworld.blogspot.my/2016/10/blog-post.html

Good night everyone, it's 2.45am now and I'm still wide awake.